The ‘Parent Manual’ they forget to give you when you leave the hospital….
How many times have you heard it or said it?
“Hey, you know, they don’t give you a manual about parenting….”
Toasters. Yes. Tv’s. Yes. Washer/dryer. Yes. Even my curling iron has one.
But parents? “Pshhhh. You’ll be fine. Just don’t drop it.”
Seems reasonable that they should expect you to use that “intuition” thing and just do it right? I mean, you have therapists you can talk to, yeah? Your childless neighbors will tell you exactly what to do, and so will the little old lady down the street that “Never would raise her kids to say those things”.
Everyone has an opinion, but no one tells you the truth. Even the negative things. Because lets be honest, its the human condition to get people to procreate, so we can keep our race in the running for universal dominance.
Best thing to do?
Listen to CURRENT moms. Moms whos kids are a *little* older. Not in college, not married with kids, like a couple years ahead, where they remember the fresh cuts and bruises and will give you honesty over selective memory. “Isn’t childbirth amazing?” Says old lady. “No, asshole.” Says mom of screaming infant.
Okay, so I feel that, with kids who are 10 and 8 respectively, that I have every right to be honest with you about the good and bad. Once we are done with this blog post, you will see why my life currently is all about dirty books. Once you become a mother, the universal thought is that now your a mom that’s all you are. Sorry. No.
Keep your sexy underwear, stock up on wine, get out of the house at least once a week, do your hair just because, and always, always have earbuds and music handy. You will need it.
So, here is my “manual” on parenting. It’s not perfect, but it’s honesty at its best. Enjoy.
- No one is ever on time once you have kids. Stop beating yourself up and just get there when you get there.
- Don’t buy a ‘baby on board’ sign. No one cares.
- You kidless friends will now be awkward around you for the following possible reasons: a) They want a kid and go on and on about how they can’t wait, making their boyfriend of 3 weeks fidget with pretend lint on his shirt. b) They have no interest in kids and they are trying to figure out a way to avoid you in the future.
- No one likes families that match their cloths.
- Stop spending so much money on them. Seriously. They are like cats. They want to play with tin foil. Save the money for wine and drugs.
- Consignment stores will become your best friend after you have multiple children. Don’t be ashamed of that. If your confused, see the rule above this one.
- Breastfeed where you want, but don’t be the asshole that takes of their whole shirt in the park to prove a point.
- When you leave the hospital, you will cry. Mainly because of hormones and mainly because you have no idea what you are doing. This is normal.
- You will go to the hospital a few times for high fevers, broken things, and such. No one will call child services unless it’s obvious you threw them against a wall. So don’t do that, no matter how bad you want to sometimes.
- Your kid will have a tantrum in the store. Kids have tantrums in stores. Drop your shit and leave. End of.
- If you feed them pedyalite they will poop out toxic waste colors. Take pictures. It’s fun.
- If you befriend an overdramatic mom, get rid of that twat as quickly as possible. You don’t need it.
- Get out of the God Damn house. Your kid will not be permanently damaged if you leave him for a few hours.
- Don’t hover. He’s fine. Really.
- Your husband does not babysit. He made those kids with you, you raise them together whether YOU are together or not. This isn’t all on you.
- Don’t worry about what other people think of your house. You have kids. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to come over.
- Your dog takes on a whole new role, huh?
- Use one room in your house to throw shit in when company comes and lock that bad boy up.
- Pictures are lovely. We love to see them. But we don’t need 8 of the same shot. We get cameras have quick uptake nowadays, but edit a little, please.
- No one outside of your inner circle watches your videos.
- Don’t put your baby in beauty baby pageants. Ever.
- The doctors will railroad you into anything they deem necessary. Research shit. If it doesn’t feel right to you it probably isn’t. Use your gut.
- Stop separating your lights and darks. Throw all that shit in there and turn on the cold water. Fill that bitch up as high as it will go.
- If your husband won’t help with basic chores, then it’s okay to label him as a Douche Canoe. Make him a neck sign.
- Read lady porn.
- Buy a vibrator.
- Have sex when you can. And if he’s not getting it right, tell him so. Happy endings go both ways.
- Buy stock in Typenol, Tums and Mylicon drops.
- Sleep when you can, even if its a 5 minute power nap in the parking lot.
- Pretend to have diarreah if you need 5 moments alone.
- Get a hobby. You are not just a mom. You are still the bitch you were before except you lactate now.
- Keep your sexy underwear. Your husband still likes it no matter how bad you think you look. He just want nookie.
- Stop being so hard on yourself. It’s a HARD job. You, WE are all doing the best we can.
- Your kids are going to fall. ALOT. It’s fine. The are fine. So use your judgement lady, and you will get them to college.
- Travel. Even if it’s camping, whatever. Take them away. I know it doesn’t seem possible, but they will grow up and leave someday.
- Give them chores at 5/6 and up. Make them aware of what it’s like to run household and take care of yourself. That isn’t something you just ‘know’.
- If they backtalk you, it’s okay to take shit away. Set rules and boundaries. Your kids are not your friends.
- Don’t dress like them. You’re a grown up. Have your own style.
- And finally, buy baby wipes from Costco even after they outgrow them. They rock for cleaning.
USEFUL shit ladies.
Don’t let anyone tell you your doing it “wrong”.
You, are a fucking super hero. End of!
Till next time!